PANJANDRUM

Chapter One

The Mansion In The Cleaning Cupboard

In the middle of dear, drizzly old London there is a cleaning cupboard. It is on the third floor of a crumbling Victorian apartment building on Turnabout Lane. Squeezed between flats number 36 and 37, this cupboard is not like other cleaning cupboards stuffed with ancient mops and buckets and whiffy smelling rags. Oh no! What is lurking inside this cupboard would astonish and astound you, for it is hiding a very grave and dangerous secret. It is, in fact, the entrance to a nest of Plunder-Wizards. And that, as everybody knows, can only mean trouble.

 A Plunder-Wizard, in case you were wondering, is a kind of safe-cracking sorcerer. They spend all their time breaking into enchanted vaults- a perilous occupation indeed. As well as being fantastic burglars, they are also brilliant at hiding. It takes a very special kind of magic to stuff an entire mansion full of stolen treasure, countless ill-favoured Hench, and workshops of enchanted drills and battering rams, into a space as tiny as a garden shed.

Lurking at the very back of the cupboard, hidden behind towering stacks of dusty lemon toilet cakes and shoe polish, was a huge, gold Spider-Crab. This bejewelled crustacean was actually the front door of the Plunder-Wizard’s lair. Hanging on the wall beside it was a shiny brass plaque;

NMB 36B

BARON THADDEUS AND LYRA VON GRINSPOON

Go away.

 These names, as well as the rather discourteous greeting attached to them, belonged to a pair of the naughtiest, sneakiest and most burglesome burglars in England. Behind the golden door was a vast and sprawling criminal enterprise. It was so cunningly hidden that nobody had a clue it was there.

 The Von Grinspoons were very, very good at what they did. These purple robed nuisances were personally responsible, according to an official report issued by the High-Cauldron, for over eighty percent of all magical crime. It was Lyra and the Baron who had pilfered the famous diamond toadstools from The Sultan Of Brunei. It was even rumoured that they had snuck, one fateful afternoon into the Houses Of Parliament, snatching the enchanted wig right off the Prime Minister’s bonce!

 It was a good job that the mansion was so well hidden. Thaddeus and Lyra Von Grinspoon were being hunted by some very dangerous people.

 I could go on about Plunder-Wizards all day. But this is not a story about their antics. It is a story about a girl who had spent her entire life trapped behind the cleaning cupboard door.

 It is a story about a Plunder-Wizard’s daughter.

It is my great pleasure to inform you, that Esmerelda Von Grinspoon, of number 36b Turnabout Lane, was one of the very best in the world at solving magical puzzles. This young witch could crack a wizard cypher in thirty seconds. The Colour Changing Rubik’s Cube was a doddle, and you could forget all about the Never Ending Crossword– she could finish that in her sleep.

 Esme was very tall and awkward looking. Her back was bent, and her shoulders curved forward slightly- the result of having her nose stuck in a puzzle all day long. Her hair was golden blonde like her mum’s, but with one important difference. A single black lock was sprouting like a weed, just behind her left ear.

 It was in the east wing of the Plunder-Wizard’s lair, that Esme’s bedroom was to be found. It was tucked away at the end of a long, glittering corridor. This part of the house was brimming with treasure. Great heaps of gold and silver lay scattered about like rubbish. Jewels the size of hen’s eggs had been tossed carelessly into the dark, dusty corners, apparently for no other reason than to make glimmering homes for the mice.

 Esme’s room was crammed with puzzle-boxes. She was very proud to say that she had one of the largest, most extraordinary collections of magical puzzle boxes in the world.

 All day long, this talented young witch would crouch on the carpet in her red tartan pyjamas, solving one after the other. There were almost ten thousand pieces in her collection- and what a racket they all made! The moment she opened her eyes in the morning, all the Crafty-Coffers would begin to yell. The Enigma Chests would mutter their crusty equations, and all the Whisper-Locks would try to outdo each other, chanting the most perplexing riddles they could think of.

 In short order, the whole motley crew would be fighting for the girl’s attention. The instant her feet touched the carpet, they would clatter their locks like a gang of mischievous toddlers. 

 ‘MY TURN! MY TURN! YOU’LL NEVER SOLVE ME.’

 Of course, Esme always did.

 As you can tell, the witch’s life was quite a lonely one. Thaddeus and Lyra were always sneaking off, leaving her by herself in the vast, echoing house. When they were home, the Plunder-Wizards were usually down in the dungeon training new recruits. It was this neglect that had driven Esme towards puzzling.

 The sad thing was, that despite her enormous talent, there was one huge, irritating problem she had never been able to solve. Not only was the Von Grinspoon mansion hidden, it was also protected by a potent brew of sly and diabolical spells.

 What all this added up to was a very bleak and boring existence. There are only so many puzzles you can solve before you start going loopy. As the daughter of Plunder-Wizards, this poor girl had never been able to experience all the wonderful things that normal children get to do. Not once in thirteen years had she been allowed to go outside.

 Esme had never been to the beach, or held a friend’s hand on a school trip. She had never spilled popcorn on her lap in the cinema, or crunched through a drift of white snow. She often dreamed of seeing London- of visiting Madame Tussauds, or Hyde Park- anywhere there were children her age. But the spells that hid the mansion from the world were far too strong.

 No. Number 36b Turnabout Lane was a giant puzzle box with no lock.

 There was no way out.

 Not even for one of the greatest mage-puzzlers in the world.